Losing Myself
by Quill-lady
Summary: Part of the Make my Heart Burn Series. Works alongside Blue Jeans White Shirt, this being Castiel's POV. Castiel is starting to learn about emotions as he is in a secret affair with Dean Winchester. This is what happens when angels start to fall in love but when you are in a secret affair can you really fall in love? Title from Will Young's losing myself, reviews are love.


Emotions were a new concept to Castiel, angels were not meant to feel, yet ever since he had turned his back on heaven and his brethren, all he had done was feel emotion, but it was still new to him. He was thousands of years old but he had never truly felt like had truly lived until the moment he rebelled. The moment he realised that Dean Winchester meant more than orders, but now Castiel was at another crossroads, was Dean Winchester more to him than God, his father? Previous behaviour and actions suggested that Dean was Castiel's everything.

And perhaps he was, perhaps Castiel loved Dean, yes he did love Dean, how could he not when he had died for him. But was he in love with Dean? Emotions were still too new to him, he had experience betrayal, wrath, anger, empathy but love?

But what they were doing was not love, despite his new grip on emotions, he knew what they were doing was more like lust than love. Castiel did not deserve love.

But what they were doing were slowly destroying each other, Castiel was not sure how they had gone from friends to lovers to now lovers who could not admit what they were meant to do now they were lovers.

Castiel had found something that excelled anything heaven could offer, or ever give, being in Dean Winchester's arms. Being with Dean Winchester, feeling the rush of ecstasy as they came together, their bodies melting into one. But was it love?

Castiel did not have much innocence left, he had lost most of it when he had become God, but the last innocence that came with virginity, Castiel had even come back from Purgatory with that.

But then like everything else he had given to Dean Winchester, this last bit of innocence he willingly gave. He was a fallen angel in every single way, Hester had said and now she was right. Every road was paved with good intentions. Except did he and Dean have any good intentions left?

Castiel had loved Dean, he had rebelled for Dean, became God for Dean, went to Purgatory with Dean and yet it was not enough. He had betrayed the man he loved.

Nothing could reprieve him for taking the souls for Purgatory, he deserved penance and punishment over and over again for betraying Dean, for breaking Sam's wall, Dean might forgive but he would never forget.

And that was why Castiel had stayed in Purgatory that was why he had let go of Dean's hand, it was what he deserved and it was in this turmoil of feeling and emotion that had started the current mess that they now found themselves in.

One night alone in car with Dean was all it had taken. Dean had been seething with resentment; it was naturally going to bubble over. The hunter could only ever speak with actions, when his emotions ran high he would often say things in anger that he would not have usually said. That night in the car his temper broke, it broke with both actions and words.

The Impala slammed to a stop and Dean was out of the car before Cas could exclaim, Dean hoping that escaping the car would stop delay the words that threatened from his mouth.

"Why did you let go Cas?" Dean asked angrily at Cas who had stood beside the Impala, letting his fingers drift over the cool metal of the bonnet, as if it would ground him.

"Dean I was not ready to-" Castiel started but Dean turned angrily interrupting him

"Yeah well I was ready, I was ready for you to come back, for you to be there, I told you I needed you, did that make no difference?"

Castiel made to move closer to Dean but the hunter moved out of his way, happy to pace in front of the angel, "Dean I deserved to be punished, I needed to stay there to do penance,"

"Yeah you did, but what about me? What about the fact I told you I needed you after you left me once already in Purgatory!" Dean paced angrily like a trapped animal in a cage, his hands shaking with anger.

"For your protection!" Castiel yelled, emotions flooded him, exasperation filled his veins, when would Dean ever learn that the angel would never let anything near him "I couldn't let the Leviathans get near you."

"Yeah but you were quite happy to send me back to a real world full of monsters alone?" Dean growled, "Or were you too busy interested in making yourself a martyr?"

"It was never that!" Castiel bit back stung, physically reeling from Dean's words, his heart felt wounded, "I was protecting you!"

"Protecting me, by letting me go?" Dean snarled stepping towards the angel, but stopped himself, then looked at the ground, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists.

"Yes!" Exasperation was turning into anger as Castiel yelled, standing closer to the hunter, "You never see it! Do you? Everything I do for you, to protect you-"

"I didn't need your protection!" Dean yelled his voice wavering with anger and something else, "I needed you," he looked at the angel "I wanted you!"

Silence erupted between them, suffocating them and making the crackled tension between them ten times worse. Castiel watched the hunter's chest heave, watched as the jade green eyes never left the angels, his cheeks flushed, his lips wet. This was too much for the angel and he looked away from the burning gaze of the hunter, he had to get out quickly and made to leave but in a flash a hand grabbed the angels wrist "Don't" Dean growled in a different tone, it was needy and shaking with a new tension.

A new emotion to the angel, need.

The angel looked back up to the hunters eyes, so many times they had shared glances and this was similar and yet so very different at the same time. Castiel could feel Dean's pulse race in the hand that still held the angels wrist. There was something new in the hunter's eyes that Castiel could recognise because this emotion was flooding his blood and no doubt was reflected in his own blue eyes. Castiel swallowed he desired so much to feel Dean, to move closer to Dean but still he did not move.

It felt like they stared for an age, so different yet so familiar, they had always been able to communicate with their eyes but this was honest yet frightening, because would they actually act upon it?

Dean answered Castiel's mental question quickly, as he pressed his lips upon the angels, instantly demanding access to the angels' mouth which Castiel readily gave, he felt the hunter groan as he slipped his tongue in to Castiel's mouth.

And in that moment Castiel was lost, gripping the hunter's shoulders, desperately trying to cling on and he wondered how could this be wrong when it felt so wonderful. Different emotions rapidly hit him, the electricity of lust, want and need. He wanted and needed more as he let Dean force him back up against the Impala, each grappling at each other, desperate to feel each other. The touch, the feel of it made the angel's grace sing, as he fumbled with the hunter's buckle as Dean nearly ripped the trousers of the angel.

Gasping, but not in pain, in need, keening noises filled each other's mouths as trousers were pushed down to ankles and the burning sensation of lust being fulfilled as hips moved against each other. Some would have said rutting against a car with a human was degrading to an angel of the lord, Castiel was not that innocent or pure anymore, but when he felt himself burn up with desire, when he came for the first time, screaming Dean's name into the starlit sky, the angel had never felt anything so pure.

Months later and here they were, meeting secretly in motel rooms, fucking then Dean would leave, carving another slice into Castiel's heart. Castiel had spent millennia without knowing anyone, but within months of kissing Dean he was lost utterly.

Dean would never know, but every moment Castiel thought of him, thought of ways to be together, new spells and enchantments that could hide their relationship from everyone. Then they would meet and enjoy each other and give into each other's desires, feeling each other, tasting each other, dizzy with lust.

But they were never truly together, not in the way that Castiel really wanted, but that feeling was a secret, that was locked away, but the pain of Dean fucking him and leaving him meant that the purity of that first time was being tarnished by the lies, the secrets, the quick blow jobs in dirty bathrooms, the motels miles away from Sam so that the younger Winchester wouldn't find out.

And Castiel kept going, because he believed this was because of the emotion that he had once feared. Yes there was lust, there was desire and there was the constant addiction to be with Dean. But there was love.

Castiel was in love with Dean, utterly and completely, from the moment Dean had entered him, taking away that last part of innocence, his virginity, he couldn't have hid anything from the hunter even if he had tried. Dean had stripped everything away from him.

The wonder that he had felt, the ecstasy, the feel of Dean moving in him, making him burn up, making him feel like his grace wanted to fly as Dean and the angel moved together. The hunter had been so gentle, kissing him softly, kissing the angels eyelids and the green eyes had stared into his, so bare of his normal guardedness, so open to Castiel that he had opened the floodgates of his emotions, let himself feel and let himself fall in love.

But it was a moment and swiftly it had disappeared and the guard slammed back up in Dean's eyes and Dean never showed love, only lust, coming back for more and more, different motel rooms, different nights, like Castiel was an addiction to the hunter.

Castiel began to ache, like waves that eroded a shoreline, the purity of his love for Dean was being faded away, he started to feel used, he felt dirty but still he would never say no to Dean because he needed to feel that ecstasy . He couldn't say no, he would let Dean fuck him because he realised he was as addicted to it as Dean was if for different reasons, Dean for lust, Castiel for love.

And they yet again it changed all over again and the angel was responsible for it, one night he kissed Dean to distraction, laying him down and worshipping the hunter's body. Sucking his neck and collarbone, marking him, playing with the skin in his teeth, toying with his nipples, licking his stomach then blowing hot air from his mouth where he had licked making Dean a quivering mess.

Castiel would show him love, he would show Dean how much he loved him, how much he was in love with Dean, he would suck his cock and preparing him with ever gentle fingers, pleasuring him so he gasped and writhed. He would worship him and love him and as he entered him he realised this wasn't fucking, this was making love. With every thrust he was saying I worship you, I adore you, I love you.

Not saying anything but letting his emotions seep through into his actions Castiel gently kissed Dean and the hunter gasped and moaned, meeting every thrust, Castiel wanted to show Dean love, he wanted to show how pure it was and with every heartbeat he was begging Dean to love him in return.

And that was when it changed, the angel's worship was rewarded when he felt Dean seize under him, almost sobbing Castiel's name when he came, he looked away but the angel forced Dean to look at him as Cas tumbled over the edge also filling him with his seed. It was in that moment that Castiel saw love, pure love in those green eyes that were softer, that were almost amazed.

And then again the moment was gone, the hunter's gazed tightened back, the emotion pushed away and Castiel felt his heart seize.

Castiel never mentioned it, never mentioned what he had seen in those green eyes, knowing that Dean had put that wall up again. They kept going and Castiel tried to guard his heart and give himself fully into lust, until one night the tension rippled between them eve n after they had fucked, they lay in each other's arms Dean telling him it should be just sex when Castiel spoke up.

He challenged him, Castiel knew he could never end it even if the sensible part of him knew his heart would be better protected if he did end it. His hearts screamed for him to stop challenging Dean, but part of him knew Dean wouldn't end it even if for the lust then for the brief moment of love that had gazed at the angel. When Castiel had broken him apart.

Yes it was just sex, Dean said it was just sex, so it would just be sex.

"I know," Castiel sighed, "So end it then"

"Perhaps I should," Dean replied and Castiel felt something tug at his heart and pushed forward determined to fight for that glimpse of love.

"You can't," he breathed beside the hunter's ear, "You won't"

"Why not?"

"Because you love me." Castiel breathed on Dean's cheek.

Dean had left, leaving Castiel staring at a motel door, feeling something in his eye that he had never felt. Tears. Things were now even messier, because Dean not replied to that, only saying "_See ya Cas," _but his hoarse voice had been enough to confirm it.

Castiel let a tear drop down his cheek, scooping it up with his index finger, he looked at it, how far he had fallen, emotions were no longer new to him when he could now cry. He looked to the messy bedsheets beside him then listened to the Impala roar away. They would keep going then, fucking in secret, in the dirtiest places, pretending they were just fucking but in their hearts they knew the pure truth.

It was love.

_I really don't know how please__  
__won't you tell me now__  
__Why I'm losing myself again__  
__I seem to go nowhere please__  
__won't you tell me yeah__  
__Why I'm losing myself again_

You knew what I Had to lose


End file.
